no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
