My liver just broke up with me...
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
