someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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