Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
