Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
