I think im going to throw up on grandma
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize