May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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