While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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