Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
