we should wear snuggies to the strip club
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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