bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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