Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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