Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
