I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize