yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
