You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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