at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
