thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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