How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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