I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
worst night to have a conscience
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
