someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
