Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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