You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
