someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
