So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
it's like iHOP with fire
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
