you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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