she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
