Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
