Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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