and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize