My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
