On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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