last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
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