Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
