I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize