my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
