Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
