I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
