someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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