my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
