wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
