1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
