in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
