i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
