Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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