so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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