my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
