Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
