Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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