she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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