Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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