i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize