Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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