right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
