finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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