I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
