I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
