I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
