better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i think i just lost a toe
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
