Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
